Laying yourself down, raising up the broken to life

I just want to say, thank you SO much to everyone that has taken time out of their busy day, to come and read my little blog. Another huge thank you for all of the encouraging and supportive comments and messages that I have received, especially regarding my last post. To have so many people reach out to us has been overwhelming. Again, I say thank you and I wish I could give you all hugs because if you don't know me, I LOVE to give hugs, haha. I am hoping to post a day in the life of Fenix and curate a list of things that has helped him with sharing, cleaning up, and communication. We have learned SO much through his therapies and I would love to share that with you all since everything can be applied to ANY child.

I know, deep within my soul, that God made my son with a purpose. It is a sentiment that I have prayed and echoed since his diagnosis. It gives me comfort and peace on the hard days. I have clung to it with every ounce of strength in me.

But.

Some days are just hard. And I question God.

Why?

Kids can be so cruel, add on a diagnosis that makes it hard for my boy to socialize and communicate and he has a huge target on his back. How will elementary school be? Or Jr. High when everyone becomes that much more self aware and look for someone to take out their insecurities on. Fenix doesn't pick up on things like sarcasm or has the ability to read other people's emotions that well. Will he even know that kids are making fun of him?

 I don't want to think about these things but they keep me up at night. I want to protect my son from all of the ugly in this world, to save him from the hurt. My heart has left my body and is walking around and I can't bare the thought of kids or adults treating him differently or limiting him because of his diagnosis. I won't always be there to advocate and stand up for him.

I want this little blog to be an uplifting place. To show all of the amazing things that God has done and continues to do in our lives. However, I also want it to be an honest portrayal of our journey. Despite all of the good days and grace that is constantly being given, that I have moments of weakness and hurt and pain. I don't always have it together. I wrestle with God and His plan. I am trying so hard to heal the scars that run so deep with His love and compassion and mercy. To let go and to let God.

God had to break me down, strip me away of everything I was holding on to: doubt, pride, control and so much more. After Fenix was diagnosed, I was in the worst type of pain that I have ever experienced. Once I finally dug myself out of that hole, I could truly feel His presence, and I knew that even though it will be at times difficult, that everything was going to be okay. As long as I put all of my hope and faith into Him, that I could climb that mountain that before, seemed impossible.

A few months later, I was baptized at the church that I found God at 11 years before.
It was the same church that I invited a boy that I had only talked to on Myspace and had no idea that I would be meeting my future husband.
The same church that 5 years after that first meeting, we were married.
The same church that 2 years after we were wed, we were dedicating our first born son to the Lord.

I have learned so much about myself because of his diagnosis. That I am stronger than I gave myself credit. That I cannot do this alone and that I need God and a community of people that love and support us. That I need to humble myself and to share our story, the joys and trials, so that it will bring glory to His name.

Isn't he the most beautiful boy you have ever seen? I think so, even though I may be a tad biased.

I will never give up. 

I will always fight for him. 

He will ALWAYS know that he is so loved by us, 

our family, friends but above all, by our God. 

He is a child of God. 

"All these pieces 

Broken and scattered 

In mercy gathered 

Mended and whole 

Empty handed 

But not forsaken 

I've been set free 

I've been set free

Amazing grace 

How sweet the sound 

That saved a wretch like me 

I once was lost 

But now I'm found 

Was blind but now I see

Oh I can see it now 

Oh I can see the love in Your eyes 

Laying yourself down 

Raising up the broken to life 

You take our failure 

You take our weakness 

You set Your treasure 

In jars of clay 

So take this heart, Lord 

I'll be Your vessel 

The world to see 

Your love in me"